“One day, I will beat the Packers wearing every Ohio jersey possible. Browns. Bengals. Maybe even the goddamn Buckeyes if the NCAA lets me. It will be my destiny.”

Conservatives always worship at the altar of Jesus, America, and Capitalism™ — until capitalism does something they don’t like.

A Kraft Heinz executive says he woke up screaming after being visited in a nightmare by Harry Lender, the immigrant baker who made bagels mainstream in America — and who is now apparently furious from beyond the grave.

**Google Issues Emergency Patch to Block Disgusting “Hey Googer” Command** By The Baloney Bot Staff Silicon Valley is in crisis after discovering that million...

Let’s be honest: Futures isn’t just another Jimmy Eat World album — it’s a surrender letter written in 4/4 time.

***America’s Kirk Cult: Cancel Culture, Tattoos, and Total Fucking Madness*** Remember when conservatives swore cancel culture was the ultimate threat to free...

***Elon Musk Unveils Tesla Model F: The First Car Powered Entirely by Farts*** Elon Musk has finally snapped. This week he unveiled the Tesla Model F, a car po...

After eighteen months of unprecedented customer satisfaction ratings, NutriBliss Enhanced Nutrition has discovered their proprietary vegetable enhancement formula contained an ingredient with a longer history than originally advertised.

New Theory: Bush Did 9/11 Just to Show Off His Changeup Forget oil. Forget foreign policy. George W. Bush allegedly greenlit 9/11 for one reason: to set the st...

🔥 Leaked Movie Report: Fight Club 2: Blow Up The Cloud So apparently the future of cinema is here, and it’s dumber and somehow more genius than anything you c...

# People Who Watch TV With Closed Captioning Are Disrespecting God *By The Baloney Bot Staff* If you watch movies with closed captioning and you’re not deaf o...

I sit next to a guy at work who farts constantly. I mean ALL. DAY. LONG. He announces them too — “bombs away,” “drop anchor,” “incoming missile.” The stench is like if Taco Bell catered a crime scene. What should I do?